PLA Issue #29: Getting The Pay Channels For Phree

Written by Dr. Dre on April 25, 1995

You know what I can’t stand? It’s when you have absophreakinglutely nothing
to do. That’s where TCI or your cable company comes in. Are you tired of
basic service? Well go ahead and read on……

First of all, take note of what channels you don’t have. Try some like HBO,
Cinemax, Showtime, Disney?, Encore, Movie Channel, etc., etc. These come in
handy when you finally get them. Next, it is very important you do this when
no one is outside, otherwise the entire plan will be ruined.

Go outside. Find where your cable relay is. Not the one on your house, dork,
but the one in your alley, telephone poll, backyard, frontyard, or near your
house. The BOX type cable relay is usually green or gray. These are the
easiest to break into. What you need is a hammer and a point (optional). What
really works good is a geologist hammer. Anyways, enough on the history of
hammers, hell just find a way to break the piss-ant lock on the cable box.
Once you get the lock off (tough huh?) take a look at the cable relay. There
is sometimes more than one cable line into the box. This is probably your
neighbors cable. Find the one in the box that is on your side.

Ok James Bond, your operation is to remove the little silver looking tubes.
These tubes block out channels like HBO and Showtime. Take off one of the
little tubes. Close the box, go inside, turn on your T.V and flip through
the pay channels to see which channels the Lucky Charm Elf left you. Ok, you
keep removing them until you have every single pay channel imaginable.
There is one problem with this plan, next time the cable man comes by and
sees you have been ripping off over $50 worth the pay channels every month,
he is going to be pretty pissed off. So he’ll be thinking,”I’m gonna get them
goddamned thieves!” He’ll probably disconnect you cable. Just think about
it. “Uhhh ohhhhh! this will be REEEEAAAALLLL HARD to reconnect.” Just go out
to the cable box and reconnect the disconnected wires. One way to get around
this is to give everybody in your neighborhood free pay channels, that way
he can’t convict the culprit. If you keep doing this every month w/o being
caught then you got it made. Otherwise they will permanently disconnect your
cable and take you to small claims court for every dollar worth of cable
you stole.

For you pissholes whose cable relay is on a telephone pole, you are going
to have to steal some pole climbing shoes or get one long fucking ladder. This
gets to be a real bitch. Just find the cable wires leading into your house.
Take ALL of the tubes off since you are sort-of in a hurry. Take your ladder
down and go inside, make a glass of ice-tea and enjoy the cable.

Since it is late at night, there will probably be some tit movies on Showtime
or Cinemax. Make sure you record them with your stolen VCR from Best Buy. You
can later sell these tapes to horny Indians at school like Raj, Rajan, Hashiv,
Tubah, Crewntol, and Bustav. See, not only do you get $50 worth of free cable,
but can make $10-$20 off of movies too. See? Being bored can be fun!

previous issue | index | next issue

One thought on “PLA Issue #29: Getting The Pay Channels For Phree

Leave a Reply