So…you want to be a PLA member? Well, here’s your chance to finally make a
dream come true. Complete the following application, send it in and you’re on
your way to fame, fortune and police raids.
First of all, you have to prove that you’re PLA material. You must complete
the following stunts and have proof that you’ve actually done these things.
Proof can be photographs, copies of police reports, video tapes of nightly
news documenting your stunt(s) and/or newpaper clippings.
1. Kidnap and sexually assault at least twelve employees of Bell, AT&T or GTE.
2. Construct a working pay phone key and clean out all pay phones in the city
and mail all of the money to me.
3. Get a hand written note from Kevin Mitnick telling you to leave him the
4. Must harrass a voicemail company and their customers to the point of putting
them totally out of business.
5. Find a telco box, paint it red, piss on it and take a picture of it.
Members of the PLA must have certain characteristics and must be able to do
certain things that make them a true Phone Loser. If you’re missing one or
more of the following traits, please don’t pursue this application any further
and come back when you’re worthy.
1. You must be able to make a phone ring with the wave of your hand.
2. You have to have codes flying out of your ass backwards.
3. If phone company security ever decides to investigate you, you have to make
them wish they had never started by ruining their life.
4. You must be able to hassle Chris Tomkinson in your sleep.
5. Checks from the AT&T Refund Center in Jacksonville, Florida should be
arriving at your house by the crateloads.
6. On an average day, you spend at least two hours cooped up in a phone booth,
dialing random numbers around the world, harassing people for fun.
7. You must be able to construct a red box blindfolded and with your hands
tied behind your back.
8. Have the entire script to the movie “Wargames” memorized. (Who doesn’t??)
Finally, here’s the Phone Loser test. Answer all questions to the best of your
knowledge, fully and honestly, without help from your parents.
1. A Bell employee is in your house installing a phone. List three ways that
you can distract him so you can snag his tool belt.
2. You’re on the phone with an operator. What are three proven ways to make
her cry and/or quit her job?
3. Write a brief description of what the word “cactus” means to you.
4. Jim Bayless from Ameritech Corporate Security calls you at home and tells
you that he’s finally caught you and that you’re in the hot seat now. What
do you do?
A: Start bawling and admit everything.
B: Pull up his file on your computer and start reciting all of his personal
information just to shut him up.
C: Order a calling card to his home.
Okay, so that’s it. You’ve completed the PLA job application. If you’ve
answered all the test questions and you feel that you meet the criteria, mail
this application to your local police department and they will forward it to
us. Be sure to include your name, address and phone number so we’ll be able to
get back with you. (And run a credit check on you and order you a calling card.)
Thanks for your time!