PLA Issue #9: Jim Bayless’s Triumph

Written by Colleen Card on November 9, 1994

This is an actual play that was presented in class. It was awarded an “A+.” It
is not to be confused with reality because we all know that phone company
security personell never really catch who they’re after.

Open, a young man in a telephone booth calling some lady.

BRAD: Hello, this is Jim Bayless from Ameritech Corporate Security and we’ve
been having some problems with our voice mail system. I was wondering if
we could have your code number to help aid us in cleaning up this

MRS. SMITH: What was your name, Tim Bazil? Speghetti sounds good for dinner
but bazil is a little too strong a spice for me. Do you have any

BRAD: Bayless, ma’am.

MRS.SMITH: No, Mrs. Smith. Now what was it you wanted? Oh yes, my code number
is 4623.

BRAD: Thank you very much for your time and cooperation. I will call you
tomorrow and let you know how this case is going.

MRS. SMITH: Bye now!

BRAD: (After hanging up phone) Ha, ha, ha! I’m gonna get her! (Pauses as he
dials up her voice mail system and gets into her box) Hi, I’m not here
right now and neither is Mrs. Smith. The stupid, slimey slug is out
rolling dog doo doo. Mrs. Smith, you’re stupid! I can’t believe you just
gave me your code, you stupid retard! Ha ha! [Note: Certain words had to
be substituted as cussing was not allowed in the classroom.]


After listening to her voicemail’s outgoing message, Mrs. Smith decides to
call Ameritech Security.

MRS SMITH: I need to speak with Mr. Jim Bayless.

MR. BAYLESS: Yes? Speaking, how can I help you?

MRS. SMITH: My name is Mrs. Smith and this little brat called my work saying
he was you and convinced me to give him my passcode. Then he
called my voicemail and said some very mean stuff. He called me a
slimey slug in dog doo doo. Then he called me a retard! I want
this taken care of immediately. I can’t even get my messages
because he changed my passcodes.

MR. BAYLESS: I know who that is, don’t worry ma’am. I’ll take care of Brad
a.k.a. RedBoxChiliPepper!


Mr. Bayless tracks RBCP down and calls him.

MR. BAYLESS: Mister, I got you in the hot seat! You have two choices: You can
stop now and I’ll give you a Resses Peanut Butter Cup every day
that you’re good. I know you’re a nice person and I have faith in
you. Or, I’ll track you down and make you come work for me until
you learn to be a good, upstanding citizen.

BRAD: No, Mr. Bayless, anything but a job at the phone company. And you know
I love Reeses. I’ll be good. When’s the delivery boy comming over?

MR. BAYLESS: Right now! Chris Tomkinson, go to Phone Phreakers Lane and bring
RedBoxChiliPepper this Reeses.

CHRIS: (Knocks on telephone booth door & gives Brad a reeses.)

BRAD: Boy, oh boy, a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup! (He shoves them in his mouth
and looks up and Chris is standing with his hand out.)


BRAD: I’ll give you a tip, don’t give out your social security number! (Brad
slams the telephone booth door in his face.)



12/05/04 – joe from 123 fake street: i totaly agree

07/31/04 – EchoMorphsapient from FurWorld: Yep, that sucks. Good thing you divorced Colleen.

02/12/04 – Mr Bayless from hells kitchen: can i use this play for my english class

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