Jackass

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to
take it out on someone!!! Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON’T KNOW!! Now get this. I was sitting at my
desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and
dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This
is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?”

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She
had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I
yelled “You’re a jackass!” and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass,” and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!”

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice say,
“Hello.” I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID
program?”

He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
“That’s because you’re a jackass!”

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if

there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
place. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a
little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro
comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her
space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy.
I was here first!”

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward
the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a
jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I had noticed he had
a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, “You’re jackass!” (It’s
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk
and thought I’d better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone
answered the phone and said, “Hello.” I said, “Is this the man with the black
Camaro for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the
car’s parked right out front.”

I said, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home in the evenings.”

“Listen Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes,”

“Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the
problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello.”

I yelled “You’re a jackass!”, but I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He said, “Stop calling me.”

I said, “No.”

He said, “What’s your name, Pal?”

I said, “Don Hansen.”

He said “Where do you live?”

“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s
parked out front.”

“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your
prayers.”

“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up. Then I called
Jackass #2.

He answered, “Hello.”

I said, “Hello, Jackass!”

He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll kick your butt.”

“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!” And I
hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going
on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over
to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses
kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police
helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!