PLA Issue #40: Colleen Card’s Unauthorized PLA

An optional accessory would be a glass of milk but there’s no need to get
fancy because it won’t last long. Most of these supplies and Ingredients can
be obtained through a local grocery store or Army surplus shop. I would have
included a chemical equivalency chart but space didn’t permit.

1) Set the plate down on a smooth surface. The kitchen counter will work just
fine but if you’re sloppy (i.e. have never does this before) you’ll have a
mighty big mess to clean up.

2) Set the two slices of bread on the plate next to each other facing
opposite directions. If you have them going the same way they won’t fit
together correctly in the end and you’ll end up having to start over and
waste all that product.

3) Pop the lids off both the jelly and the peanut butter. This is usually
done by twisting the lids counter-clockwise but some brand names open
differently. Consult the instructions on the top of the lid if you have any
problems.

4) Use the spoon and take one heaping scoop of jelly out of the jar. SET THE
PEANUT BUTTER OFF TO THE SIDE so that you don’t accidentally drip any jelly
into it. Using the spoon, carefully set the jelly onto one slice of bread.
Using one of the knives, spread the jelly evenly all over the slice being
careful not to drip any over the edges.

5) After securing the lid to the jelly and setting it off to the side, take
your peanut butter and use the second knife to take a scoop out of the jar.
DO NOT attempt to use the same knife you used for the jelly even if you’ve
washed it off really good. This could contaminate the peanut butter rendering
the rest of the jar useless. Use the knife to spread peanut butter over the
surface of the second piece of bread. Basically use the same technique as you
did with the jelly but you’ll notice the texture is a little different.

6) Okay, the easy part is over with, now for the difficult stuff. Make sure
you’re in a well-lighted area so that you don’t screw this part up. Chances
are that you won’t get it right the first time. Don’t be discouraged, just
start over. Take the slice of bread containing the peanut butter by the far
edge and flip it over on top of the slice with the jelly so that the jelly
and peanut butter mix. Carefully adjust the top slice so that the edges are
even with the bottom slice all the way around.

Okay, that’s it & you’ve done it! It might be a good idea to push the whole
thing towards the center of the plate to reduce the risk of the plate tipping
over if you decide to pick it up. Hope that you get plenty of use out of this
as us here in the PLA have.

Below is a police log that an old friend sent me last year. He says that he
was so smashed this night that he doesn’t remember a thing that happened and
just woke up in jail one day. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

CHARGE: BAIL:
Burglary I $5500.00
Kidnap II $5500.00
Att. Burglary I $5500.00
Criminal Mischief II $1000.00
Criminal Mischief II $1000.00
Criminal Mischief II $1000.00

SUMMARY:
On 01/01/xx at about 0438hrs Michael Simms was arrested on Burglary I, Kidnap
II and other charges when he broke into 16053 SE Stark St. #146, Portland,
Robert and Margaret Etten’s residence.

ACTION TAKEN:
On 01/01/xx at about 0422hrs Sgt. Shingles and I were dispatched to a
disturbance of an unknown person pounding on the door at 16053 SE Stark St.
#146, Portland.

We arrived and began getting multiple reports of someone pounding on doors.
Then we got a report that the person had broken a window and made entry into
one of the apartments.

Sgt. Shingles found Michael Simms crouched down attempting to hide by the
apartments. I went to meet them. I observed that Simms was soaking wet and
very muddy. I saw that his hands were cut and bleeding.

I detained Simms and read him his Miranda rights from a prepared card. I
asked him if he understood his rights and he said, “yes.”

I smelled a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on Simm’s breath. I saw that
his eyes were red and watery. He had difficulty standing & staggered when he
walked.

Sgt. Shingles found that apartment #146 had been burglarized. He contacted
the residents Mr. and Mrs. Etten. They told him someone had broken the
kitchen window and came into their apartment.

Sgt. Shingles took Simms by the victims’ window to see if they could
identify him. Mrs. Etten said that the man was definately the one that had
been in their apartment. Mr. Etten had moved to a different window to look
out and didn’t see the suspect.

I observed that there was glass all over their kitchen from the broken window
in the kitchen. I saw that the kitchen window faced the back of the apartment.
I observed dirt on the kitchen floor. There was blood on the refrigerators.

I saw that outside the back of the apartment was the kitchen window screen. I
observed that it was all cut up and had holes poked in it. There was a large
wooden cupboard on the back porch that had been knocked on its side. There was
also dirt on the read door and a foot print. The screen door was open and
had not been damaged.

Deputy Guider took pictures of the damage to apartments #144, #145 and #146.
He took statements from witnesses and wrote a special report. I took the
window screen as evidence. I also seized a black kershaw knife and a screw-
driver from Simms as evidence. I gave Simms a receipt for his property.

STATEMENT – MARGARET ETTEN:
Mrs. Etten told me she thought she hear an explosion. She told me she thought
it was because of New Year’s Eve. She said that she looked out of her bedroom
window and saw a bush moving all around.

Margaret told me she heard a pounding and a crash. She said she looked in the
kitchen and saw glass all over. She told me she tried to call the Health Center
but must have dialed the wrong number.

She said, “I was scared. I looked up and saw him standing there.” She told me
Bob, her husband, tried to call 911. Margaret said the man took the telephone
receiver off the hook and put it on the desk. She told me Bob started for the
door but the man stopped him. The man was showing them the phone off the hook
but saying “This is the door, don’t open the door or they will come and get
me.”

Margaret said the man was in the house a good long time. She said he went into
the bathroom and turned on the light. She told me he combed his hair and
turned on a “blower.”

Margaret told me the man was raving and rambling. She said he wasn’t making
any sense. She said he said leave the phone right there. He pointed at the
phone and was saying that’s the door, don’t open it.

She told me she absolutely identified the man that we brought by her window.
She said that there is no question that he was the man in their apartment.

STATEMENT – ROBERT ETTEN:
Robert told me he heard a great pounding. He thought someone was working next
door because they had been doing some remodeling there. Then he said there was
a big crash. He told me he was walking out and came around to the kitchen. He
saw a man standing in their house.

Robert Etten said the man was pointing out towards the back and saying,
“That’s it over there.” Robert said that the man was trying to say the problem
was over there and wasn’t him. He said that the man was incoherent in his
talking. He told me he could hardly understand him.

Robert said the man wanted him to do something but he didn’t know what. He
said his wife tried to call the health center and he called 911. Robert said
the man was at least 6ft tall. He said we just obeyed him we didn’t argue with
him. He said, “Boy did he tear the place up.”

Robert told me the man took the phone off the hook. The man told him to leave
it like that and don’t touch it or they will get me. Robert said the man
didn’t want him to go to the door. When he went to the door, the man said
“This is the door,” (as he was referring to the telephone). He told him not to
touch it or they would come and get him.

Robert said he unlocked the front door but didn’t open it. He said he knew the
cops were coming. He told me he didn’t argue with the man. Robert said he
noticed the man was slurring his words and didn’t make any sense. He told me
the man went in the bathroom and came out.

He said that the man wanted him to push III on the telephone. He told me he
just did it but didn’t know why. Then the man tried to push the buttons himself
and just pushed a lot of buttons. The man crawled back out the kitchen window.

STATEMENT – MICHAEL SIMMS:
Michael told me that he maybe fell into a window. After that he denied
breaking a window. He kept telling me to look at the blood on his hands so I
could tell it wasn’t from the window. He also said that just because there was
blood on his hands that didn’t prove he broke the window.

He said he saw cops. He said, “I’m not stupid.” Then he wouldn’t explain what
that meant. He told me he was walking through and a bunch of cops were
questioning him and arresting him. He said, “I didn’t steal anything.” He
said, “For all I know I should be sitting in Detox.”

When I told him witnesses had identified him, he said that the witnesses were
probably a bunch of old people. He said, “I don’t know anything, what the hell
happened.”, “I did not break into an old folks home and break a window.”

Then at the jail he said that there was probably someone else there that did
it. He said that if there was someone else then maybe it was this one guy but
he didn’t know his name.

EVIDENCE:
1 knife
1 screwdriver
1 window screen

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20: You are a stubborn buttface. You should be nice and
do what everyone tells you to do.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20: You are psychotic and have multiple personalities.
On the 20th the moon will rise to the day and make the night conflict. Buy
mass quantities of Snickers bars this week.

CANCER JUN 21 – JULY 22: The planets urge you to turn off your computer and
go talk to a girl. On the 11th you might have a threesome assuming you’re not
a fat slob with zits on your butt. If the later is true, buy a PLA t-shirt.

LEO JULY 23 – AUG 22: You have a big mouth. If you have blonde hair, dye it
brown. Your mom feeds you too much cheese-whiz. A mysterious transvestite
will msg you if you get an account on AOL this month.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEPT 22: The fruity-ass motherfucker formation of the planets
will compel you to read recent back issues of Phrack and order lots of
t-shirts from erikb. Wearing one of his stylish LOD-MOD t-shirts will create
financial rewards and maybe cause you to get lucky. (Yeah, right, with Nekid
Amy maybe.)

LIBRA SEPT 23 – OCT 22: If your parents go out of town on the 15th, you may
get to watch the Porno Channel if you can figure out how to hack the parental
control unit on top of the set. If not, the formation of the stars may allow
you to play with Rosey Palmer & her five sisters.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21: Take a deep breath and keep anxieties to yourself. The
new moon of the 17th will result in the completion of a working red box and
maybe the loss of a few pimples.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21: Many Reeses peanut butter cups are in your near
future. Work & money claim most of the archer’s attention this month. If
problems persist, take your frustrations out on the OCI operators. Their
number is 1-800-288-2880.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 20: Mars & Sun will bring job success to your future.
All you need to do is fill out the application at McDonald’s.

AQUARIUS JAN 21 – FEB 19: This month begins with the moons coinciding with a
federal raid to your apartment. Don’t bother encoding all your valuables
because you will be released when the FBI’s janitor accidentally throws away
your notebook full of codes.

PISCES FEB 20 – MAR 19: Venus’s fourth moon on it’s fifth rotation on the 17th
at the east-west polar axis compel’s you to order many songs from the
automated Send-A-Song service by dialing 1-800-272-7664.

ARIES MAR 20 – APR 19: We are such stupid losers that we can’t think of anything else to write so consult the anarchy files on your local bbs to learn
how to make a fake ID, changing your birth sign from Aries to one of the
others above.